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13 October, 2010

Therapy (Getting Personal)


Everyone needs therapy at some point in their life. And I don't mean professional therapy, sitting in a lounger and talking about your childhood. I mean, some way to channel our frustrations or grievances. Some way to empty your mind and get back to where you are at peace. Some people paint. Some people take it out with sports or dance. Some people write.

Personally, I find that rhyme and music come best when my mind is running. I've been using music and song writing for therapy for about 13 years. It feels strange to say that. I remember when I was 13. It seemed like it was only a couple years ago. But for 13 years, I have been "in therapy". For 13 years, I have put myself right with pen and paper, or sometimes, just my memory when a pen and paper weren't available.

Part of my reasons for keeping a blog and recruiting followers is to force myself to become outgoing. One thing I have almost always struggled with is letting myself be seen and allowing myself to become vulnerable. I shelter myself a lot because I have always felt uncomfortable in the spotlight.

A few years ago, I recorded some songs and put them on my Myspace profile. It wasn't because I felt that I was particularly good or anything. It was because I always regretted not trying out for a solo in chorus class. There was one in particular that I thought was just beautiful. It was called "Blow, blow, thou winter wind". I practiced and practiced. I perfected it. But when push came to shove, I never did have the nerve to just do it.

And it wasn't just solos. I think I made it to two concerts in my whole high school career. In a crowd of 100 students, I still felt like everyone was judging me, watching me. Of course now, I realize how silly that seems. But at the time, I couldn't even sing in class because I was surrounded by my peers, each with their own set of ears, capable of hearing any mistake I made.

It has taken a long time for me to overcome the feeling that I need to shelter myself. And I still have a long way to go. But I thought I would celebrate what I have achieved and how far I have gotten by sharing something I wrote. It is about the part of me that wants to hide and about leaving that part of me behind and to just live freely.

To Lose You

Everyday it's like a battle in my head.
Things I wish I'd done or wish I'd said.
But I never could seem to break through.
I guess I'm stuck with you.
What a weight on my shoulders you have built
With this cold and heavy hardened shell.
Wish that I could be content as you.
What am I gonna do?

I don't want to run away.
But I can't bear to stay.
This shell is not my own and it is not my home!
What do I have to say...
To make you walk away?
What do I have to do to lose you?

To stand out alone, it testifies.
But to stand with you, I'm terrified.
Wish I had the gall to just push through.
Then I might not need you.
I can't spend the rest of my life
Duckin' out and always tryin' to hide.
It'll never get me to where I want it to.
Never get me somewhere new.

I don't want to run away.
But I can't bear to stay.
This shell is not my own and it is not my home!
What do I have to say...
To make you walk away?
What do I have to do to lose you?

All I...
Ever really wanted in my life.
Was just a chance to shine.
And without you in my life I might just thrive.

I don't want to run away.
But I can't bear to stay.
This shell is not my own and it is not my home!
What do I have to say...
To make you walk away?
What do I have to do to lose you?

Feel free to share something of your own, whether it is a painting, sculpture, or even a video. Let me know what you do when your mind is racing.





2 comments:

Susie B. Homemaker said...

Great poem- writing is such a great way to get things out. I love having a blog for my outlet. :)

I have an award for you: http://www.susiebhomemaker.com/2010/10/two-more-awards-thank-you-so-much.html

Shlamoof said...

Oh, thank you!!!

 
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