09 October, 2014

Insert Sigh Here

     Rough day yesterday.  It didn't start out that way so much.  I mean, yeah the kids gave problems getting ready for school and that always sucks, but things like that don't typically ruin my whole day.  They're just blips.  It's what happened at school that got my blood to boil.  I stayed in fume mode most of the day afterward.  So here's the lowdown:
     The Big One has had a hard time sitting still and concentrating in school.  She fidgets, she's impulsive, she doesn't listen well to lessons.  For years, I have out right refused any sort of medical evaluation.  This is in no way against anyone who's child has an ADHD diagnosis or for anyone whose child is on medication.  I don't judge other parents, parenting is a hard, hard road.  Personally, I'm just against it.  I promised myself that I would never, ever go that route for myself or my children.
     Well, this is the second year in a row that she is failing in multiple subjects and she will be held back if it isn't fixed.  Against my very nature and against all my beliefs, I finally decided that I would have her evaluated.  I decided this privately and it only came to light when I asked the school for letters from her previous teachers as part of the process.  I did this as privately as possible because I've seen this process a few years back.  The parents got a diagnosis and all of a sudden the school was putting them under pressure to medicate and it was a huge mess.  Turns out that the school gets extra funding for every child in the school that's on medication.  Scary.  So right from the start, I said that I would not allow any release between the school and the evaluation center.  Under no circumstances do I want any swapping of information without it going through my hands and my okay first.  If she was on medication, it would be taken at home and it was none of their business.  For the first and only time ever in my entire life, I stood up for myself and made that point very clear.
     So the guidance counselor immediately asked if there was any previous release forms on record between the school and doctor, implying that she would just use that so that I don't have to sign a new one.  The nerve of her to even ask was astounding to me.  It was like Holy Disrespect, Batman!
Like, Excuuuuuse Me!?
     She then looked all over for that blank release that I told her I wouldn't sign and then went out of the room to get one, claiming she needed some for her office anyway.  *eye roll*  Yeah, oookay.  I totally don't see right through THAT.  That right there was infuriating enough, but then she went on to tell me that my daughter had too many absences last year to accredit them all to sickness and appointments.  Essentially calling me a liar.  To my face.
F*** you, Lady.  I'll make you a f****ing list.  Witch.
     At this point I am down right angry.  If there is one thing that I am not, it is a liar.  I despise liars.  She went on to tell me that ADHD is just as deadly as diabetes or peanut allergies, and wouldn't I want The Big One treated for that if she had it?  Pretty much throwing my opinion about how ADHD is waaaaay over-diagnosed right out the window and insinuating that I am a terrible mom for allowing my daughter to possibly die of suicide later in life.  At this point, maybe she wasn't actually insinuating that, but I'm outraged and pretty much thinking that I like her less than the last counselor.  That counselor assumed that I kept my kids home whenever they fought me in the morning because I was too lazy to fight back.  Forget the fact that we had numerous absences due to a stomach bug that made 3 rounds through our house that winter.  I could write a book on my feelings about that experience too, but at least she didn't call me a liar.  Probably because I sat in the corner of the office crying and didn't say a word the whole meeting.  But, let's move on.  In case anyone is wondering, I can be throwing flaming darts at someone in my head and show no outward signs of anger, so no... I was not yelling at the woman or being anything but respectfully opposed.
     She asked again if I would sign a release.
Yeah, pretty sure I already said no.  But what I answered this time was "No, thank you", all nice like.
     Okay, that was a week or more ago, so it isn't what angered me yesterday.  Yesterday was way worse, it was a violation.  A blatant and unapologetic violation.  I went to school to pick the girls up so that I could help a family member out with a ride and also get the kids something to eat before bed (tight scheduling, it's the only way that both could get done).  So as I'm picking them up, Counselor Lady comes up and asks if I had dropped off the paper work for the evaluation.  You know, the evaluation that I promised myself that I would never, ever even do.  It's not the first time that she asked me in just that week or so.  I get the feeling that I'm not breaking my belief system fast enough for her.  Immediately I am irritated.  Not showing it, but deeply, DEEPLY irritated.  This lady just rubs me the wrong way.
     Ready for the blood boiling part?  She then tells me that she was at the evaluation center the day before and inquired about whether they had received paperwork for The Big One yet and they said that they hadn't.  Big thanks to the center for lying on my behalf.  You know, unless they just looked under the wrong last name.
But, WHAT THE FLIPPING F****!?!?!?!?
    Excuse my asterisks, but are you freaking serious right now!?  Who gave you ANY FRIGGIN RIGHT to contact the evaluation center directly concerning my daughter?  Because I know that I made it unmistakably clear that you had no right.  And did I mention that it was the only time EVER in my whole life that I made my opposition to ANYTHING actually known... to another human being involved in that same anything?
     Yes, I am that much of a saint, or that much of a coward, take your pick.  Confrontation bothers me IMMENSELY.  Confrontation for me has the same level of discomfort as crawling into a spider's nest may have to the normal person.  So I have never stuck up for myself or shared my actual feelings verbally to anyone outside my immediate family before that meeting.  The meeting where I made it very, VERY clear that she was to have no direct contact with the evaluation center regarding The Big One.
     I calmly told her that I had no idea why they said that they didn't have it, but assured her that it was there.  Then she said "Well, they said they didn't get it yet, but until then I see she's making it to school, so that's good."
    OHHHHHHHH, Lady... did you both call me a liar about paperwork and then also throw a stab at me about absences last year in the same damn sentence!?  Cue the clenching fists.  Not really, but in my head, I was sooo clenching.  I want to punch her out at this point, but instead, I grabbed the baby and left.  I'd like to think I did it with purpose and that she noticed my disapproval, but someone came to talk to her at that same moment, so she probably didn't notice my fuming hatred of her at all.  But oh, if my thoughts could play a song.  It would be something like this.
     Not the whole song, because how weird would that be?  But the chorus sums it up nicely, and by nicely, I mean nicely because my thoughts aren't so sweet as this song.  Yeah, I said it.
     Sorry for the novel, but really... I have to let it out somewhere or I will fall right back into that self-loathing-can-never-do-anything-right-even-for-my-own-kids-I-suck-as-a-mom-and-hate-mankind depressive abyss.  I feel it coming, it started when I left the school and I haven't recovered yet.  I need a Xanax, I am so angry right now.  If I never see that woman again, it will be way too soon.
     Just to be clear, I am now seriously looking into homeschooling options and VERY SERIOUSLY considering scrapping the whole evaluation.  I gave an inch.  It was my own fault, I knew better.  I gave an eensy, weensy, tiny inch and now she is on my heels with me under her thumb, manipulating and controlling my every move and I so want to just... well, I won't say it.  There is, after all an ever so slight possibility that she comes to some kind of harm under suspicious circumstance and I don't need people thinking it was me.  But I'm angry.  So super, incredibly angry.
     As a general disclaimer, I ADORE my kids' school and almost every employee it has.  Really, I swear.
     Now that I've wasted this whole post venting, I have no real room for the Joy Dare.  So I will get to that in a bit.  It will help me to realign my day or whatever.

Until then,


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