A week or so ago, I had an epiphany, one that I should have had long ago.... it's lactose intolerance. My mother and brother have it, but it never occurred to me that I would have it because milk and cheese (which bother them) didn't seem to bother me at all. See, I'm missing that crucial problem solving, connection making pathway in my brain that helps relate cause and affect... it's an issue for me. Had I had that pathway, it would have let me connect the bad feeling to the foods I was eating just beforehand. But after this epiphany, I've started purposely watching how I feel with what I eat. Yogurt is BAD, milk is okay, cheese is okay, M&M's and other milk chocolate treats are doable in moderation if I don't mind feeling "off", everything else that's non-dairy is pretty much okay to eat so far, but I'm still testing. I'm purposely putting off the sour cream test because I don't want to say goodbye to that one. But, problem solved, definitely lactose intolerance. The reason I've been getting sick during every shopping trip lately... the coffee with creamer that I get while in town before hitting the stores.
You'll be interested to know that I do have a starting weight. Sad to say, I'm not 178 like I thought, but 188. 12 pounds away from the 200 mark. I refuse to cross that milestone, kind of like when I refused to cross the 20 year old mark, only this time I'm serious. At this point, regardless of how I felt about being classified as obese before, I am now actually becoming unhealthy and I AM in that obese range. I've gained 30 lbs in the last 5 months. I wake each morning with tingling hands, even when I haven't been sleeping on my arms. When I sit up too quickly, my chest aches and tightens. My hips ache if I lay too long on one side or if I sit cross legged for too long. My face flushes now when I've always had very low blood pressure before, I haven't gone in for important, life-saving medical tests because of the shame over my weight, which could lead to undetected cancer or heart disease... I just can't bring myself to make an appointment knowing that my body would be exposed to other people, even knowing the risks. Not to mention the toll on my mental and emotional health. The disappointment in myself for getting so far off course is a heavy burden to carry. But I have resolved to do this, this is my mission, my journey. This year is my year.