Rock the Cradle: A Lullaby Tribute to Billy Idol Review

 Disclaimer: This post is a sponsored post for Jammy Jams.  I received a sample product to test in order to facilitate this review.  All opinions expressed are definitely my own.

     I was born in the 80's, late 80's actually.  As such, I'm not super familiar with the style and trends of that decade.  I mean, I know what they were, but there's not much about those years that I can really relate to.  I was more of a late 90's kid, Hanson and all that.  But if I could take just a couple things from the 80's and steal them for my own childhood, it would have been bangle bracelets, leg warmers, David Bowie, and Billy Idol.  Don't get me wrong, as far as nostalgia goes, I definitely love me some 90's pop, but seriously... Idol's pretty timeless.  How can you not love this:

     Yup!  I'll just let you gaze at that for a minute.  Take in all the awesomeness.
     ...
     ...
      Done?  Okay, so fast forward a few decades and most of us Idol fans probably have kids or maybe even grandchildren by now.  Most Idol fans are probably at the age where kids seem to be crawling out of every corner of your life.  Nieces, nephews, grands and even honorary ones that your friends and neighbors let you claim as nieces and nephews, they're everywhere.  I know 3 people just this month who had new babies and more are coming in the next few weeks.

     My Boog is just a little over 2 years old and Baby Bee turns 5 next week, so they're both pretty young still.  Sometimes they have a hard time settling down.  I usually put on a TV show to rot their brain a little and make them fall asleep, but it rarely works.  (Joking about the rot thing... I put on educational documentaries, this week's theme... Egypt!)  It mostly serves to keep me entertained until they do pass out.  And in some cases, like last night, it will keep me so entertained that I stay up watching it until 3 and wake up way later than I should, resulting in a mad dash to the bus for my poor school kids.
     So maybe it's time to try something new.  Insert lullabies, a classic kid-settling tactic.  Better than lullabies?  Billy Idol lullabies!  Yeah, baby!  Cause what could be better than falling asleep to a twinkly version of White Wedding?  Yes, that's my favorite Idol song, mostly because of the movie The Wedding Singer.  But luckily on Jammy Jam's Rock the Cradle there are 9 more tracks to boot.  And they are all adorably awesome renditions of the original songs.  I'm actually loving Dancing with Myself best, followed by White Wedding, Rebel Yell, and Be a Lover next best.  They're stinking awesome.

     Just so you can hear for yourself that I'm not being unjustly flattering towards the album, you can hear it below.  Listen to #7, you won't regret it.  It sounds like a multidimensional version of a wind up jewelry box song and you really can't help but feel entranced by it.  I can picture it being played by one of the Baby Einstein characters on an xylophone while little cartoon sheep jump little white picket fences.  Except you can sing along in your head to the rock version while the baby floats away to sleepy sheep land.  Or if you're like me, you'll sing a totally new and bouncy version just for baby.
     Here's a track list for you to drool over:

1. White Wedding
2. Rebel Yell
3. Can’t Break Me Down
4. To Be A Lover
5. Hot In The City
6. Flesh For Fantasy
7. Dancing With Myself
8. Cradle Of Love
9. Eyes Without A Face
10. Catch My Fall

      Ok, so this is where I let you know how to get your hands on one because why wouldn't you want to?  You can get a copy of the full album on Amazon or Jammy Jams, or you can get it track by track on Google Play, or iTunes.  Also, if you enjoy other types of music, there is plenty to suit your fancy on the Jammy Jams site.  Artists like Eminem, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift and Ozzy are all paid honor in various tracks, along with tons more.  As I type this, I'm bobbing my head to All About That Bass in lullaby form.




     I definitely will be enjoying the lullabies with Boog and Baby Bee for quite some time to come, especially Baby Bee who can sing along to her favorite songs as she drifts off.  I recommend checking them out, they'll be sure to have whatever music you're into.

Except for the product(s) given to me for the purpose of reviewing, I received no compensation for this post. All opinions are 100% my own.

Hooligan Magooligan Loves Her Pets Book Review

     For those who don't already know, it might interest you to know that Amazon offers free ebooks all the time.  These ebooks come in every category you could want.  My favorite category: kids books, for no other reason except that I don't care to read for long on a screen.  I've been introduced to this awesomeness by Amber at Become a Coupon Queen.  She posts a new list of 10 free books every day on Facebook, I definitely recommend following her.

     One of the books that she recently posted caught my eye and I thought it really sent a great message to all kids.  It's a book about loving your pets unconditionally, no matter what little annoyances they might bring to the table.  I especially love the idea of this book because of a post that I came across not too long ago listing all of the reasons that people bring their pets back to the shelter.  One of the animals was returned for being a loud snorer.  No joke, it was sad.  I don't want my kids to ever grow up and find animals as replaceable as that.  That's why Hooligan Magooligan Loves Her Pets stood out to me.
     The book is written by Louise Lintvelt.  She writes Goodnight, Sleep Tight: What a Wonderful Flight and Things You Might See Swimming Under the Sea, as well as many others.  I suggest checking out her site if you get any of her books, which has kid art project ideas and audio tracks that go along with the theme of a few of the books she has written.  This book is illustrated by Julie Sneeden, who has an impressive portfolio of beautiful illustrations on her site, and many other artworks also.  Her art makes me want to read her other books.

     The main character, Hooligan, reminds me a lot of Baby Bee, so of course I am biased in how cute I think she is.  She's got strawberry blonde hair and bright blue eyes with piggies on her head... she's pretty adorable.   She lives in England, which of course is sure to give the reader inside your head a very English accent, a little added bonus.
     While the rhyming of the book and pet names do take some getting used to, it gives a very clear message to kids that it's the cool thing to love your pets for everything they are, even if they are dirty or even almost snobby.  Hooligan loves her fat, lazy cat as much as her skinny playful night owl of a cat.  She loves her mischievous bone-hiding dog as much as her wet, muddy, water-loving dog.  And they love her for loving them.
     This book doesn't only encourage unconditional love for family members, such as pets, but it also encourages the embracing of uniqueness and individuality.

     I recommend this book to any family with young children who either have pets or are thinking about getting one.  The lesson in this book can not be understated, even if you're not an advocate for animal rights.  Everyone has less than desirable traits, but we all want to be loved, animals too.
     To get a feel for Louise Lintvelt as an author, check out this video of the book How Andrew Got His Spots, also illustrated by Julie Sneeden.  For more Louise Lintvelt or Julie Sneeden news, their Facebook links are here:   Louise   Julie


Except for the product(s) given to me, I received no compensation for this post. All opinions are 100% my own.

An Interesting New Discovery

     So a neat little fact about me, neat as long as you're NOT me, that neat little fact is that I have felt sick to my stomach nearly every single day for over a decade.  I remember sitting in the seat of my now-husband's truck waiting for him to finish mowing an elderly lady's lawn, and I was doubled over in agony, almost crying as I waited.  The feeling was so intense that I remember biting his leather seats.  I can still taste it.  I said nothing because I didn't want him to feel rushed, I didn't want him to feel bad, and I didn't want the attention.  I didn't know why I felt that way, but it was only the beginning.  I started feeling sick every single day.  I worried that I had TSS or some other totally preventable thing and that it was doing me harm, but too shy to go to the doctor, I lived with it.  I started feeling that way at around 16 years old and have lived with it daily since, though I have learned to tolerate it for the most part.  Some nights I wake several times and writhe in pain and sickness.  Lately, almost every single shopping trip I take, I suffer silently as I scurry through the aisles and sometimes rush the kids out of the store and promise them that next time they can spend their money because next time I won't be so sick.  I'm always sick when I go shopping, the motion as I walk up and down the aisles increases my discomfort.  It always hits as soon as I pass through the store entrance and lingers long after we leave.  I could probably count the number of days on both hands that I have been sickness-free since it started at 16 years old, I'm now almost 29.
     A week or so ago, I had an epiphany, one that I should have had long ago.... it's lactose intolerance.  My mother and brother have it, but it never occurred to me that I would have it because milk and cheese (which bother them) didn't seem to bother me at all.  See, I'm missing that crucial problem solving, connection making pathway in my brain that helps relate cause and affect... it's an issue for me.  Had I had that pathway, it would have let me connect the bad feeling to the foods I was eating just beforehand.  But after this epiphany, I've started purposely watching how I feel with what I eat.  Yogurt is BAD, milk is okay, cheese is okay, M&M's and other milk chocolate treats are doable in moderation if I don't mind feeling "off", everything else that's non-dairy is pretty much okay to eat so far, but I'm still testing.  I'm purposely putting off the sour cream test because I don't want to say goodbye to that one.  But, problem solved, definitely lactose intolerance.  The reason I've been getting sick during every shopping trip lately... the coffee with creamer that I get while in town before hitting the stores.

     So long story made short: I'll be adding some restrictions to my new weight loss plan.  First thing is to cut the amount of coffee.  I love the taste of coffee, but I really only drink it to stay awake.  Tea has caffeine too.  I've downright hated tea for years, but after discovering my intolerance, I decided to try tea in iced form and realized that I actually love it.  Who knew, me... a tea lover!  Second thing is to drink more water.  This is hard because I never drink for thirst, I drink for taste just as I eat for taste.  I love how things taste.  So remembering to drink water will be hard.  Third, I need to cut out mayonnaise and yogurt unless lactose free.  Because why would I want to feel that way if I know I don't have to?  Feeling better will lead to improved mobility.  No more staying in bed all day to avoid the sickness I feel when I move about.  And Fourth, though not diet related, I need to increase my activity level.  I'm gonna try to take the family to a nearby track and see how rollerblading/ walking/ biking as a family goes.  Walking a mile or two a week is a drastic improvement from where I am now and would serve to open the gateway to more activities in the future.  When I was at my thinnest, I walked many miles each and every day.  How I miss living in-town.
     You'll be interested to know that I do have a starting weight.  Sad to say, I'm not 178 like I thought, but 188.  12 pounds away from the 200 mark.  I refuse to cross that milestone, kind of like when I refused to cross the 20 year old mark, only this time I'm serious.  At this point, regardless of how I felt about being classified as obese before, I am now actually becoming unhealthy and I AM in that obese range.  I've gained 30 lbs in the last 5 months.  I wake each morning with tingling hands, even when I haven't been sleeping on my arms.  When I sit up too quickly, my chest aches and tightens.  My hips ache if I lay too long on one side or if I sit cross legged for too long.  My face flushes now when I've always had very low blood pressure before, I haven't gone in for important, life-saving medical tests because of the shame over my weight, which could lead to undetected cancer or heart disease... I just can't bring myself to make an appointment knowing that my body would be exposed to other people, even knowing the risks.  Not to mention the toll on my mental and emotional health.  The disappointment in myself for getting so far off course is a heavy burden to carry.  But I have resolved to do this, this is my mission, my journey.  This year is my year.

     So tomorrow when I wake, I will have a lactose-free yogurt, some toast and some iced tea and I will do better than today.  And the next day I will do better than tomorrow and that is all I will ask of myself.  Some day I will look back at this day and thank God that I pushed through.  I will not look back on this day and wish that I had, because wishing that I had has never gotten me anywhere and regret makes for terrible company.  So, 140, here I come!

Dying to be Normal

 

In the middle of Normal, about 115.

     They say that the normal weight for someone my height is anywhere between 94 and 123 lbs.  "They" being pretty much anywhere with a weight chart, places like Rush University.  Now, I am not a feminist by any standard, it's not like I go out lobbying for women to go topless in public or anything.  But I do have a problem with someone telling me that I should weigh about 100 pounds to be "normal" and that if I weigh 130, I'm overweight.
     I remember  the first time I was classified as obese and how humiliated I felt, like there was a giant neon sign above my head wherever I went, pointing down at me so everyone would know that I was officially now obese.  Funny thing is, I felt a bit overweight for my preference, but I didn't feel obese at all!  I knew I was overweight and wanted to lose a few pounds like anyone else that's overweight might.  But it wasn't until I saw the word obese attached to my height and weight that I started to feel ashamed of my body.  Just for reference, here are a couple photos of me at different stages:

Overweight at 130, obese at about 150.

     I know I'm the self-proclaimed "Queen of Photoshop", but for the record, these aren't manipulated photos.  The size is real.  Maybe I have a seriously warped self-image, but I don't feel like I look overweight in photo #1 and I don't feel like I look obese in photo #2.  But at the time, what I felt I looked like didn't matter, the words that countless websites used to describe me is what mattered.  The word obese hit me like a train and whatever self-confidence I had started to disappear.
     Right now I weigh about 178 or so, considered by Center for Obesity Surgery to be severely obese.  I'm not positive about numbers.  The last time I stepped on the scale it said "error" and I stepped off it feeling like a failure, though I'm sure it just needs new batteries.  I'm not sure exactly how I got here, but I know it was a mixture of a lot of self-shaming, depression, stress, and exhaustion.
     For months and months I fought to stay awake.  I would have breakfast and pass out at the computer mid-meal.  I'd wake up hours later, make lunch and then struggle to keep my eyes open until dinner.  I slept most of every day away.  I would awake to find the house trashed even further by the kids and get stressed out about it.  Sometimes I spent days and days on cleaning sprees and wore myself out only to find that not much had changed, and then sometimes I just went back to bed and cried until I passed out again.  Life itself was overwhelming.  I missed appointments, kids were late to school, and I just couldn't stay awake.
     I did finally snap one morning.  I drove away and stayed away all day and all night.  I didn't want to go home.  I was on the brink of dying and I knew it.  Not because of my weight, but because of how I felt about myself and my life.  I wanted to die.  And at the same time, I wanted so much to just live.  When one of the kids had a routine check up a few days later, I asked the doctor (one of the best EVER) to help me with my depression.  Though running behind, she took the time to ask me some questions and then put me on the best medicine ever.  It's supposed to take a few weeks to start helping, but within the first hour, the stress vanished.  I was kinder, I felt less guilty about my actions and I had the motivation to work on the house.  The fact that I woke up seeing red shaking walls was a minimal problem.  The main side effect: exhaustion.
     The lack of energy meant we lived on easy food.  I got NO exercise, not even chasing after kids.  The house stayed messy and stressed me out.  All these things made me gain weight.  I knew I couldn't stay on my prescription forever.  The exhaustion would become a safety hazard when driving or cooking dinner.  Thankfully the kids ate at school for breakfast and lunch, most nights they ate at their grandparent's house and I slept, though I did fall asleep once with dinner in the oven and woke to find a black pizza.
     But overall I felt better.  I started to have confidence and when my life started falling together again, I stopped taking it.  I go back to it still when I start to feel myself going back to that place.  I only need a pill here, half a pill there, it's not a constant and it's not addicting or a problem.  On average, I have a bottle a year.

7 months ago, at about 175.

     One thing hasn't changed much though, I still feel shame and I feel it a lot.  Every time I squeeze into a pair of pants that used to be loose.  When I wear them for several days because I have no other pants that fit me and I don't want to wear pajamas.  When I finally change into pajamas and have to go somewhere public.  I worry that my weight embarrasses my children when I drop them off at school.  When I try on five shirts just to find that none of them fit like they should and I stick to wearing an over-sized t-shirt or hoodie, I live in my school hoodie.  When I open my bureau to find that it's mostly full of sizes that might never fit me again.  When I fill my plate and I'm hungry, but secretly shame myself for grabbing too much rice.  And when I pass by the full-length mirror in my bathroom and suddenly see a larger woman that I never noticed before... why do I look so fat all of a sudden?  When I go to cross my legs and remember that I now have to lift my leg with my arms.  And sometimes for no real reason, out in public, suddenly I feel an overwhelming cloud of embarrassment and panic that people can see me, they see that I'm fat.
     If you are feeling like me, I can't help you fight the exhaustion.  Only getting out of my depression helped that.  But I can tell you what did it for me, TIME WITH FAMILY.  Never over-rate that.  Spending more time with my family, specifically my sister helped me in more ways than I could count.  I was laughing again and I wasn't falling asleep all the time, my days were happy.  I forgot that I was fat when we were out shopping and running errands, it was only when I came home that I remembered how far off-track my life had gotten.
     So now I am on a mission to change that.  To stop being fat and lazy, or Flazy.  Before I officially start my weight loss journey, I'll be sure to replace those batteries in my scale and take a good before picture. 

     Let me say before I close, that I in no way feel that anyone should feel shame over their bodies.  Some people are born overweight and some people are born to be thin.  Some people gain weight easy and lose it hard, others gain it hard and lose it easy... each person has a different body for a reason.  Beauty standards change often and vary by country.  From bound feet to sunken collar bones and elongated necks, no one will ever be beautiful to everyone.  A number should not define who we are as people or define how we feel about ourselves.  This is a journey that I am taking to feel better about myself.  My goal is "overweight" because I liked the way that I looked when I was overweight.  130-140 is perfectly fine for me.  I'm not reaching for an impossible number or a number that is defined by someone else.  And while I AM motivated to get healthy by the the emotional toll that someone else's definition of obese took on me, I will not be defined by their definition of normal.  I think the term "normal" should be removed and replaced with the word "ideal" or "healthy", in some cases, it has.  but just Google the words 'Normal weight chart' and see how many pop up.  No, wait, don't... you don't need to see that.
     After all, the normal height for a woman is 5 foot, 3.8 inches.  The average weight, 166.2, making for a BMI of 28.7, technically overweight.  At my height, with a BMI of the NORMAL 28.7, I'd need to be about 145 pounds, not too far off from where I was.  So my only real advice.... take it all in stride if you can, it's all relative and none of it defines you.  You are beautiful, there is no one in the world like you.

I'm Not Sure Why I'm Finding This So Confusing

     Okay, so I'm pretty sure that I am home schooling.  The Man said that I needed to get the house situated for home school and that he would likely give his consent, which I mostly have.  So the plan is to let the school know on Monday, then start the Monday following.  The issue that my brain is having is keeping which courses she will be doing straight and not mixing them up.  So here it is, her week laid out so that I can't mess it up.  In no way do I expect to adhere to a strict schedule.  The schedule is only to help me figure out what should come first.  So, her days will tentatively consist of:

7:45 - Drop Girlfriend off at school
8:15 - Get home
8:25 - Breakfast and a Bible Lesson
8:45 - Reading
9:25 - Writing
10:00 - Snack
10:15 - Elective
     Mondays: Library
     Tuesdays: Art
     Wednesdays: Music
     Thursdays: Home Economics
     Friday: Health/PE
10:50 - Lunch and Recess

12:00 - Math
12:40 - History
1:20 - Science

Then of course her outside social activities consist of:
Monday: Playground with friends
Tuesday: Soccer
Wednesday: Band, Playground, and Youth Group
Thursday: Soccer and Awana
Friday: Kids Club
Sunday: Sunday School and Jr. Church

Trying Not to Get Myself Too Psyched Up

     So it's official, after thinking about it for a good, long while and talking with moms who are experiencing it first hand, I have officially decided that I want to homeschool.  It's just one year, unless it goes exceptionally well.  Big problem... Broofy is not on board yet.  Here's why:
     Last year I tried Summer schooling to help The Big One catch up.  I was depressed and couldn't even pull myself out of bed most days.  I had four other kids at home all day, every day and most days, I honestly forgot that we were even doing Summer school.  So what makes me think that I can do it now?  Simple: I am not even remotely depressed anymore.  I get right out of bed, stay awake until bedtime, and I feel great.  I didn't even know that my body could do that!  It's a total answer to prayers.  And also, besides that my memory is improving every day from my depression being gone, the other kids are in school all day.  How could I forget that it's a school day when the house is so quiet for 8 hours a day?

Click me if you want to buy me!

     I KNOW I can do this.  And with amazing resources, like TeachersPayTeachers.com or Homeschooling-ideas.com and of course, Pinterest, how could I go wrong!?  I've even planned our first home school social experiment.  We're going to place a mock voting booth at a local library and learn first hand how elections work!  Awesome, right?  And for learning the digestive system, we'll print out iron-on transfers with the system on it and make a T-shirt.  And don't get me started on all the art projects I have in mind.  Mod Podge and spray paint anyone?
     Oh, man.... I'm having such a hard time not getting super excited about this.  It's not a sure thing.  He's never taken this long to give a yes or no answer before.  It means that he's thinking about it, which is good, I guess.  I just... I know deep down that this is right for her.  She can't concentrate at school and her daily grades are stacking up against her.  Even if she were to magically catch up this instant, she would have all those other grades bringing her down.  And she won't magically catch up right now.  Her grades might not catch up enough even if she started to improve today.  And with an environment that she has trouble learning in, she likely won't improve.  However, one end-of-the-year test based on what she's learned in an environment where she CAN pay attention and focus... THAT she can do.  It's a shot, a good shot at that.
     I know he worries and I will pray that he makes the best decision for her, no matter what it is.  I just feel like it is supposed to be home school.  To help bring this point home (no pun intended), here is a list of the pros and cons:

CONS:

1. I could totally and utterly fail and she might stay back and fall further behind.
2. She will not see her friends on a daily basis at school.
3. It might cost a little extra each week for supplies/projects/gas, etc.
4. Broofy worries that the school might look into why we are homeschooling, worry for The Big One and try to intervene somehow, which will only cause headaches.
5. Punk might give a hard time going to school because she might want to stay home too.  I won't lie, this one is concerning.  Punk is relentlessly aggravating when she wants to be.
6. She will miss the school field trips.

PROS:

1. I already have all the materials (minus special project supplies) on hand.
2. She will still see her friends 7 times throughout the week in a fun and social type setting, plus she will see extended family more throughout each week as I run errands.
3. She will have opportunities to use math, geography, science, etc. in real world settings like the kitchen, supermarket, and through geo-caching, etc.
4. She can learn what she needs most help with at a pace that is optimal and through activities that she can relate to, have fun with, and that she will remember.
5. She could concentrate and learn with almost constant 1-on-1 attention.
6. She would not feel silly asking questions aloud.
7.  She would be out from under Counselor Lady's thumb about the whole evaluation/medication issue (HUGE PRO).
8. She would be able to attend all of Baby Bee's field trips with us, plus numerous field trips of our own planning.  She will also be able to go to the 6th grade trip with her friends next year if we are successful.
9. No Common Core foolishness.
10. She wants to home school.

     No decision to home school is ever easy.  The act of home schooling isn't a piece of cake either.  I'm sure that some days I would want to rip my hair out, but just like the pain of labor or the pain of exercise, the results are worth it.  I'm really hoping that we can make the right choice.  Until then, it can't hurt to clean like crazy and set up a work place so that Broofy sees how committed I am.  Am I right?

Here's to the best!

Wednesday's Joy Dare

Cardinal rules, which I am clearly not following too well.

     Yesterday wasn't a complete mess.  I was flustered for a good part of the day, but I also wasn't for a good part of the day.  Here's a breakdown of the day:

6:00AM - woke up and started getting kids ready.
7:00AM - kids leave for bus.
7:30AM - go to drop Baby Bee off at preschool.
8:30AM - go home.
Boogie naps and I edit my new blog header until...
11:30AM - Go to get the Bee.
12:00PM - Arrive home.  Work more on the blog's buttons and such until...
2:00PM - go to get the kids from school.
2:30PM - leave to Brother-in-law's (BIL's) home.
3:00PM - Arrive at BIL's and I start dinner.
4:00PM - Kids eat and we head out for teacher conferences.
4:10PM - Pick up mom so she can hang out with the kids and I at nephew's school.
5:45PM - Bring BIL to run a few errands.
6:15PM - Head to youth group.
8:00PM - Head home and get the kids to bed.

Picture via Sugar Baking Blog

     So everything was pretty straight forward except the part where I picked the kids up for school and had the run in with Counselor Lady.  I was able to talk with BIL some about my frustrations with the whole thing and I was glad to feel supported.  It helped me overcome my anger at the time and just enjoy the rest of the evening.
     I went to make supper, but we had trouble with the stove and had to improvise.  Instead of stove-top stroganoff with noodles, it was microwaved stroganoff over fries.  But all was good, it was edible.  So then we headed out to the conferences.  It was all just hanging out with Mom and the kids in the van until we ran errands.  We pretty much just got some groceries and some gas and I dropped him back off to go to church.
     At church, I was really happy to see a new friend of the girls and her family there.  Those kids are both really friendly and adorable.  I am glad we get to see them next week too.  They seem like a really wonderful family.

     Alright, on to other things.  Yesterday's Joy Dare was 3 gifts prayed for.
     Okay, this might be tough.  Truth is, I haven't done as much praying lately as I should.  I don't know why.  But I'll try to figure this one out.

1.  Okay, number one is definitely the loss of my depression and the ability to voice my disapproval aloud.  I am so angry about the counselor issue BECAUSE I voiced my objection and was ignored.  The fact that I voiced my disapproval is completely against my nature.  I still can't tell a person to screw off, per se, or I would have yesterday.  But at least I did stand up for what I believe to begin with.  That's HUGE.  And I don't even know how I did it, one day everything was just different.  I felt different, like I was freed from some cage that I had been living in for 28 years.  This is definitely something that was prayed for for a long time and I know that it will only get better and I will only get more confident in myself.

2.  Hmmm.  I have long prayed for help.  Help with the kids, help with getting them to get along and help with being a better family.  We needed that help from someone on the outside.  And we are getting that.  That family friend (which I am going to just call Agent L from here on out to save myself the effort of describing him each time) and his wife (Coach K) have been a serious God-send with the girls and getting them to react more appropriately to anger and to work better as a team.  I've been able to breathe the past few weeks, stress levels have gone down for sure.  So I am grateful for that help.  Truly, utterly grateful.

Geo Caching

3.  I have also prayed for opportunities for my children.  I know that I won't ever be able to offer my kids the opportunities that I want to see them have.  They will never be in ballet class or gymnastics.  We won't ever go to Disney World or probably even the Drive-In.  I sign the kids up for every free thing that I can.  They have done week-long day camps, Vacation Bible Schools, Summer reading programs, Fun Park church events, a free-only family vacation (that was fun to plan), lots of other family days around the area, sports, and even a church sponsored week-away camp.  We did also try geo caching once, but came up empty-handed.  I have been blessed that my community offers so many free things for my family to do together.  The fact that we also have amazing people in our lives that can offer my kids experiences that I could only dream of offering is absolutely an answer to prayer.  This weekend The Big One will be going on an incredible trip that I would never be able to take her on myself.  And next week I will be sharing all about it.  I can't wait to find out how it goes and see all the pictures that they bring back with them.  I couldn't be more excited for her and she doesn't even know that it's going to be happening!  Blessed is an understatement.

So there it is, my Joy Dare for yesterday.  It's great to look at all the good in my life.

Until the next post when I will be undoubtedly in a better mood,

Insert Sigh Here

     Rough day yesterday.  It didn't start out that way so much.  I mean, yeah the kids gave problems getting ready for school and that always sucks, but things like that don't typically ruin my whole day.  They're just blips.  It's what happened at school that got my blood to boil.  I stayed in fume mode most of the day afterward.  So here's the lowdown:
     The Big One has had a hard time sitting still and concentrating in school.  She fidgets, she's impulsive, she doesn't listen well to lessons.  For years, I have out right refused any sort of medical evaluation.  This is in no way against anyone who's child has an ADHD diagnosis or for anyone whose child is on medication.  I don't judge other parents, parenting is a hard, hard road.  Personally, I'm just against it.  I promised myself that I would never, ever go that route for myself or my children.
     Well, this is the second year in a row that she is failing in multiple subjects and she will be held back if it isn't fixed.  Against my very nature and against all my beliefs, I finally decided that I would have her evaluated.  I decided this privately and it only came to light when I asked the school for letters from her previous teachers as part of the process.  I did this as privately as possible because I've seen this process a few years back.  The parents got a diagnosis and all of a sudden the school was putting them under pressure to medicate and it was a huge mess.  Turns out that the school gets extra funding for every child in the school that's on medication.  Scary.  So right from the start, I said that I would not allow any release between the school and the evaluation center.  Under no circumstances do I want any swapping of information without it going through my hands and my okay first.  If she was on medication, it would be taken at home and it was none of their business.  For the first and only time ever in my entire life, I stood up for myself and made that point very clear.
     So the guidance counselor immediately asked if there was any previous release forms on record between the school and doctor, implying that she would just use that so that I don't have to sign a new one.  The nerve of her to even ask was astounding to me.  It was like Holy Disrespect, Batman!

Like, Excuuuuuse Me!?
     She then looked all over for that blank release that I told her I wouldn't sign and then went out of the room to get one, claiming she needed some for her office anyway.  *eye roll*  Yeah, oookay.  I totally don't see right through THAT.  That right there was infuriating enough, but then she went on to tell me that my daughter had too many absences last year to accredit them all to sickness and appointments.  Essentially calling me a liar.  To my face.
F*** you, Lady.  I'll make you a f****ing list.  Witch.
     At this point I am down right angry.  If there is one thing that I am not, it is a liar.  I despise liars.  She went on to tell me that ADHD is just as deadly as diabetes or peanut allergies, and wouldn't I want The Big One treated for that if she had it?  Pretty much throwing my opinion about how ADHD is waaaaay over-diagnosed right out the window and insinuating that I am a terrible mom for allowing my daughter to possibly die of suicide later in life.  At this point, maybe she wasn't actually insinuating that, but I'm outraged and pretty much thinking that I like her less than the last counselor.  That counselor assumed that I kept my kids home whenever they fought me in the morning because I was too lazy to fight back.  Forget the fact that we had numerous absences due to a stomach bug that made 3 rounds through our house that winter.  I could write a book on my feelings about that experience too, but at least she didn't call me a liar.  Probably because I sat in the corner of the office crying and didn't say a word the whole meeting.  But, let's move on.  In case anyone is wondering, I can be throwing flaming darts at someone in my head and show no outward signs of anger, so no... I was not yelling at the woman or being anything but respectfully opposed.
     She asked again if I would sign a release.
Yeah, pretty sure I already said no.  But what I answered this time was "No, thank you", all nice like.

     Okay, that was a week or more ago, so it isn't what angered me yesterday.  Yesterday was way worse, it was a violation.  A blatant and unapologetic violation.  I went to school to pick the girls up so that I could help a family member out with a ride and also get the kids something to eat before bed (tight scheduling, it's the only way that both could get done).  So as I'm picking them up, Counselor Lady comes up and asks if I had dropped off the paper work for the evaluation.  You know, the evaluation that I promised myself that I would never, ever even do.  It's not the first time that she asked me in just that week or so.  I get the feeling that I'm not breaking my belief system fast enough for her.  Immediately I am irritated.  Not showing it, but deeply, DEEPLY irritated.  This lady just rubs me the wrong way.
     Ready for the blood boiling part?  She then tells me that she was at the evaluation center the day before and inquired about whether they had received paperwork for The Big One yet and they said that they hadn't.  Big thanks to the center for lying on my behalf.  You know, unless they just looked under the wrong last name.
But, WHAT THE FLIPPING F****!?!?!?!?
    Excuse my asterisks, but are you freaking serious right now!?  Who gave you ANY FRIGGIN RIGHT to contact the evaluation center directly concerning my daughter?  Because I know that I made it unmistakably clear that you had no right.  And did I mention that it was the only time EVER in my whole life that I made my opposition to ANYTHING actually known... to another human being involved in that same anything?
     Yes, I am that much of a saint, or that much of a coward, take your pick.  Confrontation bothers me IMMENSELY.  Confrontation for me has the same level of discomfort as crawling into a spider's nest may have to the normal person.  So I have never stuck up for myself or shared my actual feelings verbally to anyone outside my immediate family before that meeting.  The meeting where I made it very, VERY clear that she was to have no direct contact with the evaluation center regarding The Big One.

     I calmly told her that I had no idea why they said that they didn't have it, but assured her that it was there.  Then she said "Well, they said they didn't get it yet, but until then I see she's making it to school, so that's good."
    OHHHHHHHH, Lady... did you both call me a liar about paperwork and then also throw a stab at me about absences last year in the same damn sentence!?  Cue the clenching fists.  Not really, but in my head, I was sooo clenching.  I want to punch her out at this point, but instead, I grabbed the baby and left.  I'd like to think I did it with purpose and that she noticed my disapproval, but someone came to talk to her at that same moment, so she probably didn't notice my fuming hatred of her at all.  But oh, if my thoughts could play a song.  It would be something like this.

     Not the whole song, because how weird would that be?  But the chorus sums it up nicely, and by nicely, I mean nicely because my thoughts aren't so sweet as this song.  Yeah, I said it.
     Sorry for the novel, but really... I have to let it out somewhere or I will fall right back into that self-loathing-can-never-do-anything-right-even-for-my-own-kids-I-suck-as-a-mom-and-hate-mankind depressive abyss.  I feel it coming, it started when I left the school and I haven't recovered yet.  I need a Xanax, I am so angry right now.  If I never see that woman again, it will be way too soon.
     Just to be clear, I am now seriously looking into homeschooling options and VERY SERIOUSLY considering scrapping the whole evaluation.  I gave an inch.  It was my own fault, I knew better.  I gave an eensy, weensy, tiny inch and now she is on my heels with me under her thumb, manipulating and controlling my every move and I so want to just... well, I won't say it.  There is, after all an ever so slight possibility that she comes to some kind of harm under suspicious circumstance and I don't need people thinking it was me.  But I'm angry.  So super, incredibly angry.

     As a general disclaimer, I ADORE my kids' school and almost every employee it has.  Really, I swear.
     Now that I've wasted this whole post venting, I have no real room for the Joy Dare.  So I will get to that in a bit.  It will help me to realign my day or whatever.

Until then,

Fear is Only a State of Mind

     Remember the problems I mentioned about Punk and Bus Kid?  Well his guardians have agreed to meet with me at the kids club in town so that we can watch how the two are when around each other so that we know who is doing what kinds of things and how to help the kids to get along.  I expect that I will survive, but I'm anxious.  Who am I kidding, I am anxious over ANY social interaction.  I'm like Baby Bee that way.  But Friday will be that day, so wish me luck!

     Today was another lazy day.  I did dishes and made cookies for Boogie because he asked me to.  Talked a little more with the family friend about The Big One and all that good stuff.  Then I went to a soccer game that was cancelled for tragic reasons, so we just stuck around while the girls played on the school's playground for a bit.
     All in all, it was just a nice, quiet day at home.  So on to the Joy Dare.

A gift baked, stirred, eaten.
Well, darn.  I only made one thing today.  So we'll start with that.

1.  Baked:  That would be the Mint Chocolate Chip Cookies that Boogie gave me to make.  I let the Bee help me make them and then of course she got the spoon.  We ate them all before the girls got off the bus.  Normally I am way more thoughtful.  Although we did save them each a 1/3 of a cookie and they were utterly grateful.  Made me feel bad.  But anyways...

2.   Stirred.  My coffee, I am always thankful for coffee.

3.   Eaten.  The apple that Punk left for me on my steering wheel on her way to the bus this morning.  It was a nice surprise when I went to bring Baby Bee to school.  Also the plum that The Big One gave me when I walked in the school doors and the apple Punk brought me when she got home.  My kids can be so thoughtful.

Well I guess that's it for today.  Until next time,

My Kidneys Hurt

     I just spent an hour being kicked and punched in the kidneys and ribs by Punk.  Why?  Because I have read that one should ignore undesirable behavior, so I ignored it for the most part.  I did take her shoes off, which was a mistake, because then she used her big toes to really get into my side.  I did tell her to stop, maybe threatened to cut her toe off once or twice.  But when she didn't stop, I resorted to ignoring it mostly.  Why was she kicking me?  Because I wouldn't take her on a walking trail that she had JUST walked an hour earlier with Girl Scouts.  Why did she want to rewalk the trail?  Because I wasn't there to take pictures for the blog.  Seriously.  Apparently this blog is a dangerous hobby.  Now my kidneys hurt constantly.  Ironically, someone did take pics and look... a faceless photo for my blog.  One identical to one that I would have taken.  Ugh.
     Thank you, Punk.  That's her in the red.  Red to match her temper.  After about an hour of using my kidneys as punching bags, The Big One got defensive and struck her in her sides with a soda bottle, pretty hard.  Punk went into tears and stopped hitting me.  Thank YOU, Big One.  I didn't condone it and Big One had consequences, but I was grateful for the behavior's end.  She later apologized ON HER OWN for hitting Punk.  She even offered to bring Punk her supper since she was sent to her room for the rest of the evening.  I was in shock.  And Punk also apologized to me, though she needed prompting.

     Anyway, our day was a pretty lazy one.  I pretty much just edited pictures and caught up the blog all morning.  I talked some with that family friend of ours and got some incredible news about The Big One.  More on that next week, you can count on it.  It might be all I talk about.
     But I had no coffee this morning, so I took a nap in the early afternoon.  I woke up in time for the bus, went to collect Punk at the lake where she ended up after her Girl Scout hike, then brought her to soccer.  That's when she refused to play and resorted to beating me up.  I'm sure that I know where Punk gets it from, but I can't do a thing about genetics.  So we will work on proper ways to show anger and we will pray for her to realize how she makes others feel.  Until then, I'm usually pretty great at ignoring.

     So onto my Joy Dare.  Today is 3 Gifts Redeemed.  Another Merriam-Webster moment, I think.

1

a :  to buy back :  repurchase

b :  to get or win back

2

:  to free from what distresses or harms: as

a :  to free from captivity by payment of ransom

b :  to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental

c :  to release from blame or debt :  clear

d :  to free from the consequences of sin

3

:  to change for the better :  reform

4

:  repair, restore

5

a :  to free from a lien by payment of an amount secured thereby

b (1) :  to remove the obligation of by payment <the United States Treasury redeems savings bonds on demand> (2) :  to exchange for something of value <redeem trading stamps>

c :  to make good :  fulfill

6

a :  to atone for :  expiate <redeem an error>

b (1) :  to offset the bad effect of (2) :  to make worthwhile :  retrieve 

 

     Wow, I could go in a ton of directions with this one.  Too bad I can't think of anything from today that goes well with these.
1.  I guess I did redeem Big One for her violence.  Sure, she had a consequence, but normally I would have been all over that.  Today I redeemed her with having to do something for Punk as a way to give back.  I didn't put her in time out or send her to her room as usual.  Selfish I suppose, but she was defending a fellow family member and I tell her that defending a family member against violence is her duty.  She stepped up, even though I had asked her not to.  Her intentions were good, so I didn't blame her for her actions and she was redeemed on that count.  I was grateful for the break of being hit.

2.  Gosh, this is a hard one.  Can't wait til tomorrow, that one will be easy.  Ok, redeemed... Well, that wonderful lady who dropped off sweaters for me, she redeemed Boogie by offering us a pair of thick tights when I walked out of the house forgetting his pants.  It was a chilly day and I had originally just thrown him in the van without pants to get the girls off the bus.  Then I remembered that Punk needed to be picked up, so I ran in to get pants and a couple other things while Big One buckled him in, then somehow left without the pants.  It was not good, but she saved us and it isn't the first time.  She pretty much rocks and we are always grateful to have her in our lives.

3.  The fact that we have not been in the Troop for the last few years is not affecting whether or not we can go to the amazingly awesome trip next month.  So in a sense, we were redeemed.  We can still go and they can even cover half of Punk's expense.  I can't stinking wait.  I am so thankful for all the opportunities that have opened up even in just the past few weeks.  It's been wonderful.

Well, I'm off to sleep away this kidney pain.
So until tomorrow or whenever,